#Grief #BookReview: About the Real stages…

Grief has been my oldest pal or should I say the ghosts of grief could never leave me. It is one emotion that can never be suppressed. I’ve always poured it into my poetry. So, when I saw Kaye’s book that talks about personal grief, my ghosts of grief resurfaced to speak to me. I could deal with them within one day, could write two poems and finish reading this new release of my blogger buddy within a day. I could feel her words.

A journey through grief is a torture that can never be explained yet Kaye gathers the strength to talk about it, as it is cathartic; it provides inner strength and gives a reassurance that grief may be personal but not individualistic. Grief changes us, it alters our life and we wonder where are the friends and family who disappear after the funeral. It is a deserted path and we have to traverse it alone. “Grief never leaves, it just finds its way into a comfortable spot within.” I could relate to these words of the author. We have to learn to live with it. 

In this book, Kaye calls grief “a disease” and urges grievers to pay attention to their health. They should get out and go for a walk, talk to people, as human connection at such a time is extremely important. We may be sad and unmotivated, but we have to take up some activity to get out of the darkness, and find a new way of living. Another meaningful advice is that It is better to face the grief demons than become susceptible to addiction of any sort.

Real Stages of Grief may be different for each griever; we may seek a comforting hand, but solace eventually comes from within. “It is not words we need in our hours of grief; it’s an ear and hugs,” says Kaye. However, she warns against scammers and lurkers who want to be friends with you. “Beware of sob stories from those seeking financial gain.” Many more significant aspects of grief, and ways of emerging from those dark alleys have been shared in this book. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

HAPPY READING!

A Haibun

Perennial Pain

It’s the third Diwali without you. Darkness still surrounds me. Frozen heart refuses to accept logic; numb eyes return to the door again. I know you are not here but I don’t want to light any diyas or any electric lights. Diwali wishes sound like a slap in the face. Do you remember my enthusiasm for burning crackers and eating sweets the whole day? I don’t want to buy any now. I just soak in the mist of those memories. I have no nepenthe, but darkness gives more solace than the artificial lights.

festive occasions –
a yawning rumbling thunder
perennial pain.
© Balroop Singh

Thank you.

Here is the Amazon link for my grief poetry book: Just One Goodbye

All the posts on my blog are created by me and are protected by copyright. It is strictly prohibited to use them to train AI technologies.

Walk with Me

I know this path too well
I’ve walked and crawled
I’ve been bruised
My bleeding feet ferret out thorns.

I refuse to retreat
My resolve stays firm
I am not taking any turns
I know nothing would change.

Let’s turn the page and write again
Let’s forget the past and embrace pain
If you walk with me
All chains fall apart.

Our fear of losing love is a lie
Our quest for peace is still alive
Shadows of doubt may lurk
Our promises extend beyond qualms.

Your love may have changed its connotation
My love carries the same formation
Time may have diluted its colors
Who can compete with this tyrant?
©Balroop Singh   

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When Grief Transports You Back…

friendsLast week I received shocking news, which transported me back into time…those pleasant days of sitting for hours in the company of friends, those carefree moments that seemed to suggest life is blissful. We basked in its glory, oblivious of the fact that we would go our own way, get busy with the nuances of life only to meet occasionally and that too if we made special efforts to synchronize our visits to our home city.

Time is ephemeral, but we keep drifting back into it whenever it exhibits its tyranny!

This tyrant snatched away those insouciant moments we still treasure. Ironically… it brings back those whiffs of friendly fragrance more at such times of bereavement.

Happier times pass by complacently, with the thoughts that all is well and we have all the time in the world to meet.

Could we ever imagine that a day will come when we would be far away from each other, yearning to be together in the grief of one of us?

Could we ever reflect that we would be placed thousands of miles away and the word ‘friendship’ would stand before us in a questioning mode?

Could we ever think that one of our most effervescent and vivacious friends would be the first one to face the biggest setback of life…losing her husband and that too at such a stage when life starts afresh?

I always thought that I have become impervious to setbacks, having the experience of facing them since childhood but each one brings new emotions and memories. This one jolted me out of my illusionary world of thinking ‘everyone has to go and so must I.’

I often say I am ready to go, unmindful of the sentiments of my dear ones. I preach selflessness but in the process forget certain emotions that are vital to heart despite detachment. Today these emotions are hitting me hard from a new angle. They remind me that detachment is a mere word…a delusion to keep us occupied to deal with the struggles and realities of this world.

friends

Real detachment is painful and the laceration never heals as it is eternal…it is like amputating one part of the body.

Recently I came across an interesting perspective about time – “Time does not heal, it just teaches us how to live with the pain.” This outlook appealed to me and as I look back, I nod to myself how true it is as time has blurred my agony and hurts and I have learnt to live with them.

I know my wishful thinking can never put us in the same boat of blissful friendship we shared but we can provide solace with our words. We cannot bridge the distances but we can be with each other in spirit.

As I grieve over the loss and loneliness of my dear friend, the words of a famous poet come to my mind: “If moments were birds, I could have caged them, nurtured them with care, fed them with pearls and kept them close to my heart…”

Moments do get entrapped in our hearts and we can revisit them through our “inward eye.”

“A friend is what the heart needs all the time.” Henry Van Dyke

‘The greatest gift of life is friendship’…Have you received it?

Thank you for reading this amalgamation of emotions. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

 

Self-judgment Is Equally Detrimental

Self-judgment

I am sure nobody likes to be judged but what about our own judgment, which is continuous and constant?

Did I hurt him/her? Did I say something offending? Did I shirk my responsibility? Where did I go wrong?

Am I right in…there are thousands of such questions, which keep cropping up in our minds every day. We may call it self-reflection but it is self-judgment too.

The difference is just this – the former is positive and the latter is negative.

We all know that negative thoughts are overpowering and intensely pernicious. Yet we let them dwell in our minds.

They are like those moments of pain that never go. No! They are not the old ones. New keep cropping up.

Some moments, which are too personal, too close…so precious that you can’t even share them. You can’t let them go. You have to grieve over them. You make peace with that pain because it is not directly yours, not within your reach yet it is connected with you…in the form of a near one, a very dear person who considers you your confidant.

Can that pain be betrayed? Can you detach from such a situation?

Can you blame yourself?

I have written about detachment, about letting go to move ahead, about the ‘Valley Of Happiness’ that is so easy to imagine but when you try to live in that valley, somebody enters to remind that life never fails to bring up new turbulences even if you try to conquer it’s endeavors.

Those moments of elusive sleep with mind drifting into the forgotten realms return. You wonder where your promise of keeping grief at bay has vanished.

You think for hours and then remind yourself that the only way is to dismiss those despondent thoughts.

When we think for hours, searching for our own role in the whole scenario – that is self-judgment.

When we blame ourselves for something we didn’t do intentionally – that is self-judgment.

When we wallow in the grief of a near or dear one – who doesn’t possess the confidence to move on, searching our own role in the situation or failure to help, that is self-judgment.

You try to respond to a sad story in a positive manner but that lump in the throat wouldn’t let the words flow out, you want to scream yet the voice seems to fail you, you feel throttled, tears well up in your eyes but you try to hold them to show your courage and all these emotions get wedged between the struggle to grieve and let go.

People consider you a sentimental fool!

All that tall talk… ‘Count your blessings’ seems hollow at such a time.

Despite all the feelings of helplessness and anguish, we have to hold the strings of positivity to leap out of those dumps.Self-judgment quote

There is no other way. The choice is ours. Keep lying low and wallow in self-pity or grieve and be done with it.

Self-judgment makes us doubt our own intentions.

It shakes our confidence.

It lowers our self-esteem.

It pulls us back into the dumps of depression.

THE ONLY CHOICE:

Train your mind: If you tend to hold yourself responsible for the misfortunes of others who are dear to your heart, you need to train your mind. Like any other training, it would take time. It would take more time than getting a mechanical training because emotions are supple, attachments are deep-rooted and enlightenment may require a full life.

Remind yourself: It is not your problem. You can’t mitigate the pain of others. You can’t change their circumstances. You can only empathize. Don’t drown yourself in their sorrow.

Give positive support: Avoid criticism; it never helps. All we need is reassurance that we are on the right path, that we are putting in our best efforts and our love for those we value would never wane.

Do you judge yourself? Do you hold yourself responsible for the misfortunes of others? I would love to hear your views.

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

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Balroop Singh.

 


 

Pain…My Antidote

Nearer to thee, my pain
Nearer to thee…Pain
Now I have embraced you,
Conquered you!
You have become my antidote,
You can no longer break my spirit,
You were my constant companion,
Now I have befriended you,
Made you my dearest confidant

You have always mothered me,
Rocked me, pushed me around
Sometimes pricked me
In the form of a sibling,
Made fun of me,
Challenged my capabilities
Many times you have
Surrounded me with
Selfish, self-centered,
Incompetent, insecure people.
You have flattered me
In the form of fair weather friends.

You have made me suffer in silence.
As a child, I could not confront you
But growing with you
Emboldened me, enriched my life,
Made me realize
You cannot even touch my soul.
I have emerged stronger,
Kinder, perceptive, forgiving
To embrace you with all the humility.

© Balroop Singh. (All rights reserved)

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