I am sure nobody likes to be judged but what about our own judgment, which is continuous and constant?
Did I hurt him/her? Did I say something offending? Did I shirk my responsibility? Where did I go wrong?
Am I right in…there are thousands of such questions, which keep cropping up in our minds every day. We may call it self-reflection but it is self-judgment too.
The difference is just this – the former is positive and the latter is negative.
We all know that negative thoughts are overpowering and intensely pernicious. Yet we let them dwell in our minds.
They are like those moments of pain that never go. No! They are not the old ones. New keep cropping up.
Some moments, which are too personal, too close…so precious that you can’t even share them. You can’t let them go. You have to grieve over them. You make peace with that pain because it is not directly yours, not within your reach yet it is connected with you…in the form of a near one, a very dear person who considers you your confidant.
Can that pain be betrayed? Can you detach from such a situation?
Can you blame yourself?
I have written about detachment, about letting go to move ahead, about the ‘Valley Of Happiness’ that is so easy to imagine but when you try to live in that valley, somebody enters to remind that life never fails to bring up new turbulences even if you try to conquer it’s endeavors.
Those moments of elusive sleep with mind drifting into the forgotten realms return. You wonder where your promise of keeping grief at bay has vanished.
You think for hours and then remind yourself that the only way is to dismiss those despondent thoughts.
When we think for hours, searching for our own role in the whole scenario – that is self-judgment.
When we blame ourselves for something we didn’t do intentionally – that is self-judgment.
When we wallow in the grief of a near or dear one – who doesn’t possess the confidence to move on, searching our own role in the situation or failure to help, that is self-judgment.
You try to respond to a sad story in a positive manner but that lump in the throat wouldn’t let the words flow out, you want to scream yet the voice seems to fail you, you feel throttled, tears well up in your eyes but you try to hold them to show your courage and all these emotions get wedged between the struggle to grieve and let go.
People consider you a sentimental fool!
All that tall talk… ‘Count your blessings’ seems hollow at such a time.
Despite all the feelings of helplessness and anguish, we have to hold the strings of positivity to leap out of those dumps.
There is no other way. The choice is ours. Keep lying low and wallow in self-pity or grieve and be done with it.
Self-judgment makes us doubt our own intentions.
It shakes our confidence.
It lowers our self-esteem.
It pulls us back into the dumps of depression.
THE ONLY CHOICE:
Train your mind: If you tend to hold yourself responsible for the misfortunes of others who are dear to your heart, you need to train your mind. Like any other training, it would take time. It would take more time than getting a mechanical training because emotions are supple, attachments are deep-rooted and enlightenment may require a full life.
Remind yourself: It is not your problem. You can’t mitigate the pain of others. You can’t change their circumstances. You can only empathize. Don’t drown yourself in their sorrow.
Give positive support: Avoid criticism; it never helps. All we need is reassurance that we are on the right path, that we are putting in our best efforts and our love for those we value would never wane.
Do you judge yourself? Do you hold yourself responsible for the misfortunes of others? I would love to hear your views.
Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.
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Balroop Singh.
Emotional Shadows 