balroop singh

Why Are #YoungMinds So Vulnerable?

Published on February 17, 2018February 17, 2018 by balroop singh42 Comments

Mentoring Young Minds
Why is it so difficult to guide teenagers?

Why do they drift away and want to take their own decisions?
Why do they trust their peer group more than their best well- wishers?
How can they be easily influenced and manipulated by antagonists?

While parents and teachers dismiss all that as irresponsible and immature behavior, it is not very easy to understand a young mind. Psychologists have been trying to do that for many years.

Researchers believe that human brain development continues till the age of 25. The complex changes that the brain undergoes make them volatile and vulnerable. Youngsters crave individualism, freedom and self-regulation but are prone to risky behavior during this growth. Their patience and self-control is not fully developed. They can’t think of the consequences.

According to Dr. Frances Jensen, a Neuroscientist, “Teenagers make much more sense when you understand that the frontal lobes of the brain – the part responsible for judgment, impulse control, mood and emotions – is the last part to fully develop. So the brain just doesn’t know how to regulate itself yet. They’re like Ferraris with weak brakes.”

Ironically when they need their parents the most, they lose connection with them. We too are responsible for this disconnect.

What alienates them?

1. Lack of understanding by parents: While teenagers are trying to cope up with physical and emotional upheavals within them, all they need is love and assurance that they are good enough. Most of them change, adapt and respond in a positive manner but those who don’t get the right environment seek it elsewhere.
2. Excessive control: All they need at this stage is patient hearing. The quest to explore and experiment is the highest at this phase of life. If the rules and regulations are too crippling, youngsters take pleasure in flouting them. Setting the boundaries may be essential but one has to be flexible at times and give some freedom otherwise they become rebellious.
3. Criticism: Teenagers are very sensitive and self-conscious. Criticism affects them deeply and they might retract into their own shell, stop sharing their thoughts and desires and could develop a low self-esteem. Such minds never come out of their developmental trauma and might react violently.
4. High expectations: I have seen many high school students struggling to come up to the expectations of their parents and choosing the subjects due to parental or peer pressure. In an attempt to please their parents or accomplish the dreams of their fathers, they lose their own personality.
5. Neglect: Children, who grow up in dysfunctional families or those who have not received basic emotional support at an impressionable age, carry a baggage of unspoken words, which drag them deeper into an abyss of darkness. They always carry grudges in their heart against the world and become insensitive and apathetic. All they need is help though they are unwilling to accept it.

How can we help?

Provide them with safe and loving environment at home
Early bonding through open discussions
Listen to them calmly and patiently
Avoid criticism of their ideas and friends
Encourage regular exercise and creative channelization of energy
Encourage adequate rest and sleep
Avoid coercing them for career goals
Avoid stressful talk
Talk about your expectations calmly and logically.

Role of teachers:

Teachers are the role models for students. A kind and an affectionate word for the most unruly student attracts his attention and he leans towards the teacher who has a sympathetic attitude towards him. I have seen the toughest ones melt into tears of remorse when I tried to delve deeper, to probe into the causes of their violent behavior.

Little disappointments seem gigantic to teenagers. Teachers can convert those moments of disenchantment into stepping-stones by talking them out of negativity. A good teacher can also become a counselor, as she/he understands students better than parents. Teenagers feel more comfortable in sharing their problems with their teachers.

Young minds can be molded into positive and responsible individuals but the onus lies on us.

Thank you for reading this. Please share your valuable reflections, as they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

What Is The Best Apology?

Published on February 3, 2018February 3, 2018 by balroop singh63 Comments

Real apology
There are two kinds of apologies – one that is real, that makes you feel guilty to introspect and change your behavior. Second is the one that is done just to please, to avoid an argument, shift the responsibility or save a relationship.

When I was growing up, I was many times told to apologize to assuage the feelings of somebody though I had done no harm. Even when I refused to do a chore that I didn’t feel like doing or felt it was below my dignity to polish the shoes of a sibling, I was given a violent reward and told to apologize!

Obviously I refused, as I didn’t believe in such an apology. In my view, a sincere apology is the one that emanates from one’s heart and is well deserved too.

Do you believe in apology? Some people don’t, as it is below their dignity to apologize.

Why?

People who maintain emotional distance never apologize.
Their ego and pride is bigger than all relationships.
They don’t want to take the blame.
They don’t want to abdicate power and control over others.
They believe in self-righteousness, not humility.
Anger and bitterness may overpower their goodness.
Self-esteem, which they nurture, is all-important.

On the other hand are people who apologize profusely and live that moment only to forget it the next day.

They are most insensitive.
They live within moments.
They never make an effort to change.
For them, apology is just a face saver.
Fear of consequences propel them to apologize.
They could be living in the shadow of their own insecurities.

Which ones do you like?

Is apology meaningless? Sometimes, if it is not received well.

Recently my argumentative muse mentioned that apology and forgiveness go hand in hand. In order to forgive, an apologetic and receptive heart is required. If forgiveness is not received well, it becomes meaningless.

I reminded her that we forgive for our own solace. The person I forgive may remain as vindictive as ever, may remain indifferent and hostile but all those negative vibes return to the heart they stem from. They can never touch me because the moment I forgive, I detach myself from such people.

Forgiving ourselves

Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for the hurts we may have caused to others. We may justify our actions by telling ourselves that ‘we didn’t hurt intentionally’ but we can never comprehend the perspective of others who think otherwise.

I know forgiveness is not easy. I have painstakingly taught myself this art. I kept on reassuring myself for many years that I would never forgive certain people, as this thought gave me a grim satisfaction that I have vindicated myself. apology quote

I also know very well that basic human behavior has not changed for ages. What we have learnt is the art of wearing masks. We try not to offend, we choose our words carefully, we avoid the topic that may cause unpleasantness, and we become ambivalent whenever a direct question is asked but we never reveal what lies within our heart. We never share our most secret thoughts.

The best apology is to change your behavior:

Change may be hard but only through behavioral changes do we become a likeable person. Is it so hard to change one’s behavior?

We could begin with kindness, the virtue, which is innate, which is like a candle that needs just a spark to get ignited. A kind word spoken with sincerity is always heard.
We could stop making glum faces and smile more often to reassure the other person that our apology was honest.
We could try to be emotionally present during our interactions and keep our digital devices away.
A meaningful conversation melts away many fears and insecurities.
We could respect each other with little gestures of sharing the chores we detest.
It is better to forgive even those who refuse to acknowledge it. Their own moment of understanding the value of apology would hit them one day. Let their age yield them at the altar of forgiveness.

Thank you for reading this. Please share your valuable reflections, as they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

Love That Comes Back

Published on January 27, 2018 by balroop singh48 Comments

Love returns if it is pure

‘Can you change the music Nana?’ my three-year-old grandson spoke very softly.

The music that plays in my car is always of my liking, soft, romantic and sentimental songs of the 50s and 60s that one could never get tired of.

‘You don’t like it?’

‘We can play it at some other time,’… his answer amazed me! For a moment I thought I was talking to a mature person.

I looked back and both my stars smiled at me.

The distance from their school to our home is hardly two miles and within that much time, they have to share their prattle and listen to peppy music too!

‘Nana, please put it loud,’ he keeps on requesting, oblivious of the fact that soft music would never seem loud.

‘We don’t listen to a very loud music, dear’ I say in my grandmotherly style but my advice goes unheard.

‘Daddy always puts it super duper loud!’ he proudly declares.

I rummage through the old collection of CDs lying in the glove box of my car and stumble upon a peppy mix.

‘I can’t hear anything,’ he says while I am still loading the CD.

‘Wait.’

A squeal hits the roof! Louder! The demand doesn’t wane.

We reach home even before a single song could be heard and in a moment everything is forgotten, with new puddles to jump into and splashing water all over, making bubbles and catching them, pushing and apologising till I announce lunch time.

Time passes by like a whirlwind and everyday we heave a sigh of relief when these express trains go home. The treasured moments we choose to spend with our grandchildren are special because they testify that love returns, empty nest fills again with glee and giggles. I love the expression on their faces when they softly whisper… ‘Nana I love you.’

Each stage of childhood is awesome, each milestone precious, each hug emits the love of the whole world and we are glad we can share it more than their parents who are rushing (like once we did) to meet the challenges of life.

When my children flew out of my nest, I was heartbroken, wondering what is left in life, as our lives seemed to be buzzing only with them.

Slowly we learned to live without them, trying to detach.

This is one of the poems I wrote at that time:

Wheel Of Time…

We search
Those tiny hands, which eagerly held us
Those dainty feet, which needed balance
Those lovely eyes, which emitted brightness
Those soft tears which needed endearment
Those fleeting moments that slipped by.

We take pride in
That unconditional love we shared
That eagerly sought guidance we treasured
That much needed support for each other
That joy of giving
That pain of separation!

We know
The wheel of time moves on
New bonds, new ties ignite
Moments fleet, memories drift, shadows glide
There is always hope
At the horizon we seek.

You search
The future, we search the past
The quest is common, perceptions differ
We soar with you, the flight is slow
We’ll be together
As past merges into future.
© Balroop Singh, 2003

Love comes back

We did soar with them, waiting, hoping and trying to peep into future, which is here!
Another poem that complements the older one:

Love Returns

We have found
Those tiny hands we searched
Those little feet that follow us
Those big eyes that beckon
Those angelic smiles to reckon

We take pride in
New love that is cuddlier
New bonds that clasp us
Delightful moments that glow
Rivulets of respect that flow

Now we know
If it pervades our souls
Love returns in another form
Detachment is just an illusion
It unlocks the secrets of delusion

Let’s not forget
Whatever you give comes back
Selfless and real love returns
Instill the value of love
Pour it in its purest form.
© Balroop Singh, 2018

Time for introspection!

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.

Why Are Some Human Beings So Vindictive?

Published on January 21, 2018 by balroop singh48 Comments

Are you vindictive?

You must have heard the infamous refrain ‘an eye for an eye’ or the age-old dictum ‘Tit for Tat’…Revenge has always seemed sweet to most of the people since times immemorial.

Psychologists and researchers believe that human behavior is determined by the genes and the kind of environment we live in. While the role of Nature and Nurture has always been accepted, even the best of upbringing and education couldn’t exterminate the innate vindictiveness of human beings.

It can be discerned in the innocent squabbling of toddlers; it gets sharpened when they grow up to face the competitive world of sports and schooling and slowly it becomes a part of their personality.

Probably the real reason is rooted in the evolution of human race, which had to struggle to survive against all odds and challenging circumstances. In modern times, when people are blessed with all kinds of materialistic and spiritual choices, revenge refuses to slacken its hold on human psyche.

Why? What could be the possible reasons?

Revenge is triggered not just by deceit, infidelity or injustice.

There are very insignificant reasons, which may not seem as trivial as you could presume.

Negative thoughts: Vengefulness could be a reaction to their own negative thoughts, which make people insecure and jealous. Family bickering and rivalries are the best example of such insecurities. When one member of a family becomes successful or is seen to be happy, others step in with their malicious thoughts of creating rifts to grind their own axe and exploit emotions.

Ruining relationships: Jealous people want all the attention, they want to prove they are the most loving and caring and if they find a challenger, they make a surreptitious attempt to alienate your siblings or other relatives by backbiting; by creating such situations which could prove you to be a villain.

It gives momentary pleasure: Revenge seeker has his own reasons, his frustrations and failures for which he holds others around him responsible. Seeing them suffer could give him pleasure. It might even boost his bruised ego. His helplessness in reacting directly could be camouflaged in the façade of goodness. Revenge hurts you also

It assuages anger: Anger, the most illogical and unbridled emotion gets mitigated by revenge. Hurting others and meting out the most unreasonable treatment through their jibes, punitive actions or passive aggression gratifies such avengers.

It proves one’s power: Vindictive people consider themselves to be more powerful. Sometimes they are influential due to the positions they hold. They could be your bosses or colleagues. A disappointed colleague who was eyeing the promotion you got or the boss who has been given a negative feedback may rob you of your peace of mind. Those who want to let you down would derive sadistic pleasure out of such situations.

Insecurities: “Living well is the best revenge,” said George Herbert but vindictive people don’t let you live well! Your living well exposes their own imperfections to them, making them insecure in their heart of hearts.

Have you heard of nemesis? It is the inescapable agent of someone’s or something’s downfall. An agent of natural justice… some people call it “Karma” and believe that whatever goes, comes around and you have to pay for your evil deeds.

Nemesis catches vindictive people sooner or later!

Vengefulness is a negative streak, which can only be addressed by our own inner voice. Like all negative emotions, it does hold some goodness. It acquaints us with our real self. it might lead us to introspection!

Negative emotions are very subtle and deceptive. They absorb more energy but they often walk away victorious, testing our patience and strength, ennobling us, belittling our ego, thereby transforming us into humble human beings.

You can read more about negative emotions and how they help us.

Thank you for reading this. Please add your valuable reflections, they are much appreciated.

If you have liked this post, please share it at your favorite social networks.

Balroop Singh.